i let my love for u consume me entirely until i am no longer myself and become a mirror of our greatest potential. your love i lost is the worst thing to have ever happened to me and has left me empty and i can't fill the void. no amount of superficial relationships and substances can help sooth the pain i've felt in my chest since losing you. a pain that i've caused, yet it's an ache, a stabbing and a crucification of your love to show to the world it has died. i can never find an ounce of hatred for you in me, i am wholeheartedly engrossed by my admiration for you and it gives me a glimpse of the future where i can love fully and be loved back. even though it will have to be with someone who lacks everything you had, it will have to be. will i miss you forever? will my future children hear about my long lost love? will my annoyed friends feel the strain in my voice when i bring you up again 20 years later over brunch? a brunch where the eggs and the toast are cold and left untouched because of the pit in my stomach, and the awkwardness i created. every birthday, every loss, every accomplishment, i wish to be with you and for you to be with me as a reminder that i can lose many things but not you. this wish is long gone and would still be gone even if i was with you. because your strength to admit to loving someone is far too weak to compete with my stubborn and selfish need to have you change your one big flaw for me. even your fear of committing gets eaten whole by your coping mechanism; entirely forsaking the ones you cherish the most. it's my birthday in 3 months, i will wish for you to open your heart to the world. whereas for me, i wish to be able to love someone else as much as i adored you. i knew my wish for myself would never come true, which is why i've written it down for anyone to see.
"love is natural and real, not for such as you and i, my love."